Growth Through Challenge

Yesterday was a very bad day.

The weather was about to move in, and I'd had a tough week at work. We decided to go out early in the afternoon--I took a break from work--to get a few things from the store and visit the post office box. While I was in the store, Thelma called her mother, who had been clued in (with Thelma's permission) about our relationship status but mostly about accepting her daughter. We've tried to be respectful and keep it quiet, but more than once we've had words over the fact that I want to live my life being "out" to the important people in our lives, while she wanted to keep it quiet to keep "all hell from breaking loose."

You see, she was "out" for most of her life, and it always brought hellfire down on her head. Only her father seemed to accept her, and as you know, he was killed at his store in 2000. After that, she crumbled and caved in to the pressure being brought to bear on her. She married a man in 2001, less than a year after her father died. Prior to his death, she had dated a few men to please her family, but it never felt right to her. She remembers having always been gay.

I, on the other hand, was so afraid of my father (who was strung out on morphine when I met Thelma...it was prescription, injectable morphine because he had cancer - but he became an addict and had to go get clean at the VA hospital), that I stayed in the closet. I had girlfriends throughout elementary school, but when I got to Jr/Sr high school, I began to see how "those" girls were treated. I was terrified, and I kept my eyes down in the locker room. I hid my feelings and dated VERY few boys in high school. The ones I dated were usually guys I either (a) knew were gay or (b) seemed safe. I ended up leaving town when I was 17 to go finish high school in Texas. Thelma never saw me again until May 16, 2009. As you know, I never forgot her.

So when I got back in the car and heard her mother, on speakerphone, saying, "And you cannot bring Louise into this house. My house is sacred, and I won't have you lying around with some woman here..." and I saw Thelma just sitting there, listening, letting her mom have her turn, I freaked out. I got out of the car in the pouring rain and pulled my hood up. I didn't know where I was going, but I couldn't stay there. I left my purse, my phone, everything, and started walking. By the time I got to the post office, I was drenched. I had walked through ankle-deep water and crossed streets without paying any mind to the cars. I went into the building and waited. I knew she would come.

When she pulled up to the curb, I went and got the keys. I was angry. I got the mail and the package. Came back to the car and got in. She was saying things to her mother like, "Do you realize people have been murdered and have committed suicide because of this so-called 'lifestyle'? Do you really think I would choose this for myself? To be harassed, punished, and abused?"

It was just too much for me. I said some things I regret. Thelma got angry and threw the phone down, disconnecting her mother. We argued. We cried. She tried to jump out of the car at one point, while we were on the way home.

It was a bad day.

She is hurt that her mother has rejected her and has given her an ultimatum: either you go straight or you don't have me.

We've been un-invited for Christmas.

I'm hurt, too. I feel like yesterday's Caesar salad, left out on a counter to rot. I feel unwanted and unloved. My mother died in 2006, and she died knowing EXACTLY who I am. She loved me. She was a Christian, too, and she loved me unconditionally. This is exactly why I can't understand when a parent rejects the child because of sexual orientation. I lost my daughter this year. She was bisexual, but I didn't give a rat's patootie, because she was my daughter. This is hard for me to comprehend, Thelma's mother rejecting her and saying things such as, "I'll never set foot in your house again."

And then I compounded it by showing my butt and being a pig about the whole thing instead of being more supportive. I was just shocked and hurt. I was injured, but no one was or is more injured than Thelma in all of this. She is missing her mother. She is wishing her dad was alive again so that she could feel someone would care.

I care, honey.

I care, and we'll get through this together, just like we always do. I wish it were easier, but I guess God wants us to grow through all these trials. He is carrying us.

Love, L

Thelma's Response:

Well I haven't heard a word from my mama today.

I sent her emails on how I feel. I won't call her as my aunt told me to just let things lie...stew with her. I am so sad because I am used to talking to my mom every day. But I don't want any more abuse or ridicule. I just can't take it anymore in my life.

I do hope that she will read the emails that I sent her from Soulforce.org, and Mel White. I love her. She IS my mother, after all. I miss her. I just wish that she could accept me for who I am. Her older sisters do? Why not my own mother? I am heart broken and I am sure that she feels she is too.

Let's face it, I'm not the perfect daughter. But I am a good person and try to do good things. I don't flaunt myself in public. Never have. I don't believe that I am a bad influence on her grandchildren or great grandchildren. I am not a pervert. I have never harmed a child. Never will. Those children are and will be exposed to all kinds of people in this world...God's PEOPLE!!!! They cannot shelter them forever from the outside world or differences. She said that she didn't want her grandkids to think it was acceptable to be gay, and that I was NOT welcome in her home with Louise. Those kids are growing up in this world with seeing all kinds of love of every kind.

Who is the JUDGE? I believe that my GOD loves me and He will comfort me through all of these challenging times. I am learning from this..so that I may someday be able to help another person going through this unacceptance issue. I am glad that I have come completely out to my mother, because it has been very unhealthy for me to hold this all in for so long. So many years of my life I felt ashamed of being me.

I love Louise and I will NEVER be ashamed of that...EVER!