Growth Through Challenge

Yesterday was a very bad day.

The weather was about to move in, and I'd had a tough week at work. We decided to go out early in the afternoon--I took a break from work--to get a few things from the store and visit the post office box. While I was in the store, Thelma called her mother, who had been clued in (with Thelma's permission) about our relationship status but mostly about accepting her daughter. We've tried to be respectful and keep it quiet, but more than once we've had words over the fact that I want to live my life being "out" to the important people in our lives, while she wanted to keep it quiet to keep "all hell from breaking loose."

You see, she was "out" for most of her life, and it always brought hellfire down on her head. Only her father seemed to accept her, and as you know, he was killed at his store in 2000. After that, she crumbled and caved in to the pressure being brought to bear on her. She married a man in 2001, less than a year after her father died. Prior to his death, she had dated a few men to please her family, but it never felt right to her. She remembers having always been gay.

I, on the other hand, was so afraid of my father (who was strung out on morphine when I met Thelma...it was prescription, injectable morphine because he had cancer - but he became an addict and had to go get clean at the VA hospital), that I stayed in the closet. I had girlfriends throughout elementary school, but when I got to Jr/Sr high school, I began to see how "those" girls were treated. I was terrified, and I kept my eyes down in the locker room. I hid my feelings and dated VERY few boys in high school. The ones I dated were usually guys I either (a) knew were gay or (b) seemed safe. I ended up leaving town when I was 17 to go finish high school in Texas. Thelma never saw me again until May 16, 2009. As you know, I never forgot her.

So when I got back in the car and heard her mother, on speakerphone, saying, "And you cannot bring Louise into this house. My house is sacred, and I won't have you lying around with some woman here..." and I saw Thelma just sitting there, listening, letting her mom have her turn, I freaked out. I got out of the car in the pouring rain and pulled my hood up. I didn't know where I was going, but I couldn't stay there. I left my purse, my phone, everything, and started walking. By the time I got to the post office, I was drenched. I had walked through ankle-deep water and crossed streets without paying any mind to the cars. I went into the building and waited. I knew she would come.

When she pulled up to the curb, I went and got the keys. I was angry. I got the mail and the package. Came back to the car and got in. She was saying things to her mother like, "Do you realize people have been murdered and have committed suicide because of this so-called 'lifestyle'? Do you really think I would choose this for myself? To be harassed, punished, and abused?"

It was just too much for me. I said some things I regret. Thelma got angry and threw the phone down, disconnecting her mother. We argued. We cried. She tried to jump out of the car at one point, while we were on the way home.

It was a bad day.

She is hurt that her mother has rejected her and has given her an ultimatum: either you go straight or you don't have me.

We've been un-invited for Christmas.

I'm hurt, too. I feel like yesterday's Caesar salad, left out on a counter to rot. I feel unwanted and unloved. My mother died in 2006, and she died knowing EXACTLY who I am. She loved me. She was a Christian, too, and she loved me unconditionally. This is exactly why I can't understand when a parent rejects the child because of sexual orientation. I lost my daughter this year. She was bisexual, but I didn't give a rat's patootie, because she was my daughter. This is hard for me to comprehend, Thelma's mother rejecting her and saying things such as, "I'll never set foot in your house again."

And then I compounded it by showing my butt and being a pig about the whole thing instead of being more supportive. I was just shocked and hurt. I was injured, but no one was or is more injured than Thelma in all of this. She is missing her mother. She is wishing her dad was alive again so that she could feel someone would care.

I care, honey.

I care, and we'll get through this together, just like we always do. I wish it were easier, but I guess God wants us to grow through all these trials. He is carrying us.

Love, L

Thelma's Response:

Well I haven't heard a word from my mama today.

I sent her emails on how I feel. I won't call her as my aunt told me to just let things lie...stew with her. I am so sad because I am used to talking to my mom every day. But I don't want any more abuse or ridicule. I just can't take it anymore in my life.

I do hope that she will read the emails that I sent her from Soulforce.org, and Mel White. I love her. She IS my mother, after all. I miss her. I just wish that she could accept me for who I am. Her older sisters do? Why not my own mother? I am heart broken and I am sure that she feels she is too.

Let's face it, I'm not the perfect daughter. But I am a good person and try to do good things. I don't flaunt myself in public. Never have. I don't believe that I am a bad influence on her grandchildren or great grandchildren. I am not a pervert. I have never harmed a child. Never will. Those children are and will be exposed to all kinds of people in this world...God's PEOPLE!!!! They cannot shelter them forever from the outside world or differences. She said that she didn't want her grandkids to think it was acceptable to be gay, and that I was NOT welcome in her home with Louise. Those kids are growing up in this world with seeing all kinds of love of every kind.

Who is the JUDGE? I believe that my GOD loves me and He will comfort me through all of these challenging times. I am learning from this..so that I may someday be able to help another person going through this unacceptance issue. I am glad that I have come completely out to my mother, because it has been very unhealthy for me to hold this all in for so long. So many years of my life I felt ashamed of being me.

I love Louise and I will NEVER be ashamed of that...EVER!

Love and Fear

This is the most amazing love I could ever have imagined, this romance between Thelma and I. My heart is full and overflowing.

What I don't understand is why there are so many people in this country (and in all fairness, around the world) who would say that our love is wrong. Whereas heterosexual people, in most circumstances, take for granted their rights and protection as a couple, we must think about things like "would that person understand?", "is that place safe?", and so on. Why does the world have to be this way?

I want to hold her hand in public. I want to lean over and kiss her at dinner. I want to go to church with her.

The last one is what I miss the most. Yes, we could drive to one of the big cities (two hours in any direction), but why should we have to? Yes, we are in the buckle of the Bible belt, but we are Christians! Why shouldn't we be able to go to our church of choice, worship as "straight" people do, and get our spiritual food for the week without having to make such a trek? Thelma is out of commission right now because of the hip injury and will be going to physical therapy three times a week, so going two hours each way to church isn't even an option.

Today a family member said that homosexuality is the only thing the Bible says is an "abomination" against God. Not so. Thelma has been doing a little research and is finding quite a bit of Biblical scripture to refute that. But I'm too exhausted from work and stress to expand on that right now. Instead, I'll refer you to Soulforce.org and any of the books by Mel White (especially "Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian in America"). Educate yourself, though I suspect our readers don't need to be educated all that much. If you want to know more about taking on the religious wrong, as I call them, read Mel White's material. He follows the principles of Martin Luther King, Jr., and is fighting the good fight every day.

It breaks my heart when anyone calls what we have together an abomination. I love Thelma. She loves me. Our souls are enmeshed and have been since we met as kids. I want to marry her and have the same rights and recognition (and protection) as any "straight" couple. What the hell is everyone so afraid of? We are who we are, and we love who we love. We aren't hurting anyone.

But as Emerson said, “Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.”

(found this on the writers' blog for the Grey's Anatomy writers...great blog, if you like the show)

Peace - L

Maybe the Holidays Aren't So Bad

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We've been busy girls at the Girly Ranch. This past weekend, we moved past the single-candle-in-the-window phase to an almost full-blown Christmas decorating party!

I had moved my few boxes of Christmas decorations up to the main level a week earlier, but Thelma wasn't quite ready to face the task or the notion of Christmas just yet. She misses her father during the holidays, and I'm dealing with the first holiday season after losing my daughter. It was waterworks all around, let me tell you.

But after spending much of Saturday in bed (not sick) or piddling about the house and barn, we found ourselves with time on our hands Sunday. I decided to begin to decorate. I took out my Charlie Brown Christmas tree, which is a 4' pre-lit tree, and my few decorations--mostly blue and gold, with white lights. I felt bad, because Thelma didn't want to bring out her decorations, as she felt I needed to be with my things more. My little tree was too small for all her ornaments. My mood dipped, and suddenly my tiny spark of Christmas cheer was almost out. I did what I do often since my daughter died - I lay down in the bed and cried for awhile. Though Thelma tried to cheer me up, I was suddenly exhausted.

A few hours and a nap later, I came out to find her buzzing around, putting a few of her things out and finding places to hang lights! Before we knew it, the place was sparkling with bright colors, folk art pieces, and Christmas spirit. My tears were dried, and the mark of us both was all over the house--her reindeer and snowmen, my tree, her towels, my towels, her bows, my 4' star... It was radiant. Though we are both missing pieces of ourselves - our loved ones - we realize that this is our first Christmas together. We want to make it special.

Shopping has been difficult, because we are always together ('cause we want to be, of course!). I've done almost all of my shopping online, which is how I normally do it anyway. She has done some shopping online, but some of it she did with a separate cart at Walmart tonight. That was a challenge, I'm sure!

The jaunt through the megastore was a challenge for me, too. Right now I'm on a cane with an ankle splint on because of a fall down the last three steps down the stairs from the loft. I'm okay - just sprained - but it gave us a scare. It's the second fall on stairs I've had since we moved in here last summer, but now we know I have MS. I need to be much more aware of each step I take, and I need to hold the handrail. It's difficult to relearn how to do things like walking up and down stairs!

Thelma had an EMG on both legs and her appointment with the neurosurgeon on Monday, and she has a couple of options for what's wrong with her hip (piriformis syndrome). She can have same-day surgery to cut the tendon to the piriformis muscle, which should alleviate most of the burning pain she has in the hip almost immediately, followed by physical therapy, or she could have physical therapy to see what happens**. This pain syndrome is caused by a permanent spasm in the piriformis muscle, which is deep in the pelvis. The pain has stopped so much of her activity, because on the days it hits her the hardest, even sitting down is difficult. Walking around a place like Walmart, with its hard floors, is grueling for her.

What to do, what to do? With me gimping around, she's worried about having surgery that would lay her up for awhile. She doesn't feel I could handle the barn detail every day plus other chores that have to be done. We could have some help come in, but then that means dealing with an extra person in the house. We're still in the selfish phase of our relationship, when we want to be able to grab onto each other in any room in the house, kiss at the barn, make love in the middle of the day. (Honestly, I hope we never outgrow this phase!) I think she's going to try physical therapy first to see if it helps, plus she's getting a deep tissue massage on her birthday (next Tuesday), as part two of her gift. (Part one was a trip to the salon!)

Whatever we do, though, we will get through it together. It's been a wild ride so far, and we often wonder exactly what God has in store for us. He must know how strong we both are, and He is using all these trials to strengthen us as a couple. I feel it.

I promise to write more later. We've had other things going on - such as her brother's illness. He was diagnosed with bladder cancer, but the surgeon got it all out. He has secondary-progressive MS and has had many challenges, so would you all please include him in your prayers? God will know who you're talking about.

Peace and happy holiday prep! -L

**Another treatment possibility is an injection of Botox in the muscle, followed by physical therapy, but there are a couple of problems with that: (1) insurance will not pay for the Botox medication (several hundred dollars), just the doctor's services and (2) we're not reading that people have gotten really good results from that route. But she would never have a wrinkle on her butt!