Taillights Receding

Now I know how my mother felt.

They tell you that you won't be able to truly put yourself in your parents' place until you've had or raised children. There is something about having to mend a boo-boo, potty train a kid, hear them shriek from their room - "I hate you!" that shocks you into a deja vu moment of "Wow, this is how my mom must have felt."

This morning around 5 a.m., my son and his best friend drove away from Girly Ranch to head back home. We had them visiting since Thursday night and spent our days talking, eating, drinking margaritas (okay - that was in the evening), and doing some fun things. Thelma got to know my boy a little more, and we enjoyed spending time with his best friend, as well. I wish I could post some pictures of the visit here, but for now we're laying low. Lots of divorce stuff going on, and though I've taken great pains to hide us away here in the blog, you never know.

It wasn't until last night, though -- when I was making sure all the boys' laundry was given back to them, that they had snacks for the road, that the coffee maker was ready, that the car was cleaned out and packed -- that I realized how my mother must have felt when I came for a visit and was packing to leave. She must have felt the same rock in the pit of her stomach thinking about how long it might be before I came to visit again. At first it was once a year, then it became less frequent as I added children, pets, and more responsibilities to my plate. It was really hard to do when I was traveling with work - and now she's gone. I'm hoping that my son - the only child I have left - will continue to want to visit us here and spend time doing fun things.

I swore I wouldn't cry when he left, but as Thelma picked up her blanket and rose from the rocking chair on the porch, as the taillights of my son's car passed through the gates of Girly Ranch, I burst into tears. Thelma hugged me and took me back inside.

"I wonder how many times my mama has cried like that when I left," she said.

We drifted back off to sleep at some point, but the ranch feels very empty today. I'll be waiting for the boys' next visit with longing.

Peace - L

The saga continues...

Well continuing on about my dad and his murderer. The 21 year old shot my dad on a Wednesday morning at 6:15. My dad had normally opened the store at 6:30, but the newpaper deliverer came earlier that day than usual to deliver the paper. So my dad decided to go ahead and leave the store door open, being that it was only 15 minutes until he opened anyway. The young jock came in and asked for a pack of cigs and began shooting until my dad hit the floor dead. The whole scene was captured on the store video, so there was no doubt who committed the crime. Now, it was a matter of catching the guy.

He left out of the store and ran away to a hiding place until Friday night. He escaped to a rural area outside of town where he stole a big rig and drove it into the ditch. Then he stole a tractor to try to pull the big rig out of the ditch when someone saw all the ruckus. Needless to say, he was caught. He is now serving life without the chance of ever seeing the outside world again. If he does try to appeal he will go straight to death row. It's very hard for me to have a forgiving spirit with this kind of trauma, but I CAN say my mother is a forgiving person as she had one of her ministers give my dad's Bible to his murderer. He didn't realize he had my dad's Bible until the trial, when the judge gave my mom a chance to speak. She told him about the man he'd murdered. That he would have given him the shirt off of his back, or helped him in any way. She told him he now owned his Bible. The young guy broke into tears and asked for forgiveness.

This was so hard for me (traumatic) as I was an only daughter and the baby of our family. I was a daddy's girl. He was the ONLY one in my immediate family who accepted me as I am. He never said a negative thing to me about my sexuality. I lost my best friend and advocate, forever! Somehow, I know he is looking down from heaven and seeing my happiness.

Back to "our" story...back in January, I had to have a hysterectomy and was incapacitated for a couple of months in recovery as I had complications with the surgery. I had bought a computer and thought it was a good time to try to discover the world of the internet. I had heard about Facebook and decided to join and reconnect with old school friends and family. I found I enjoyed the space and stayed on it quite a bit during this time. One day, on April 1st, I got a message from Louise. I racked my brain at first trying to remember her as I didn't recognize her last name. It threw me a curve. Then, oh my gosh, I remembered!

My heart pounded as I tried to type and answer her message. I told her I had remembered us being friends all those years ago and that I was glad to hear from her. Then our replies were passing instantly back and forth. We talked about old times and people. As time went on over the next day or so we became closer, more open. There was an excitement stirring in me once again. I wanted to get to know her more. Know what was going on in her life. Wondering what that fire was I felt when we were young.

My life for the last 8 years had been so dry, bland, and cold. I tried to make my marriage work. I tried to love my husband honestly and faithfully. I had made a commitment and was determined to fulfill this commitment til death do us part. But I was so sad and lonely. And he was not loving me as he should a wife. Not giving me affection, attention, or a sexual relationship. And my husband and I already slept in seperate rooms. Our marriage was one that had long been burnt out. We were just going through the motions of what we should do as a married couple. We had everyone fooled that we were happy, in actuality, we were far from that. I had stayed long enough trying make it work, make everyone else happy. Trying to live up to their expectations. I was ready for a change. Missing my old self, I allowed those passionate feelings to come back in when I heard from Louise. Remembering those looks we gave each other back then, I knew there was something that had happened between us that no one else but us realized. And it was hot!

More to come.....
Thelma

The Nest

We have been suffering from a bug here at Girly Ranch. For the last week or so, we've been terribly sick with something of a stomach flu, caught on the heels of eating some KFC out of sheer desperation (we were starving, and we were going to be getting home late). Well, let me tell you -- we are more than ready to get out of this house and do something fun!!! It isn't that we don't like spending time together, but we'd rather be spending time doing something other than lying in the fetal position wondering when the next wave will hit.

Yesterday, Thelma did a little housekeeping, including putting a shine on the wood floors. When she went outside to hang out the mop and dump the bucket, she got swarmed by flying insects. Coming back inside, she said, "I think we have some bees under the deck or something. Could you check it out when you get a minute?" She, you see, is highly allergic to bee venom. That scares the heck out of me, because if something happened to her ... well...

So I did the good girlfriend thing and went out to check it out, though I'm terrified of flying things, myself. I crept outside onto the deck and turned toward the stairs leading down to the carport. The flying things would have come up from that area. We have a lot of lawn equipment down there and were up and down those stairs quite a bit during and since we moved in.

Down the stairs I went, slowly, barely stirring the air. I tried to stay calm. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I went a few feet into the carport and turned to look up at the underside of the deck.

There hung an inverted teardrop shaped nest, busy with flying insects - hornets, to be exact, though I wasn't sure until I looked up nest styles on the 'net. I slowly went back up the stairs, my heart pounding in a way I hoped they wouldn't notice. I've only been stung a couple of times in my life, but I've heard the tales about hornets and how they attack. I don't know if it's true or not, but I didn't want to find out firsthand!

Thelma, being the cowgirl she is, immediately went into action. She got the wasp & hornet spray that shoots a 30-ft stream and went out the basement door after the nest. I tried to stop her, but when she sets her mind to something, stand by! I kept the door open and an eye on her. She got just close enough to fire that stream, and she doused them good, running back into the basement afterwards.

The hornets swarmed madly about the nest, trying to figure out what had just happened. They got slower and slower and eventually some of them dropped to the concrete below. She sprayed them later on, just before dark, with the remainder of the can. We're hoping they're all gone today so that we can remove the nest. But it was an adventure. I'm glad the adventure didn't result in a trip to the ER or even a single sting.

Now...on to my next cup of coffee....

Love, L

Thelma's Turn

(Thelma)
Well I am just about to burst to tell some of my side of this story...

I did meet Louise when I was 15. I did give her the "LOOK"! The look like I wanted to squeeze her or something? At the time I didn't understand what it was that I really wanted to do? I was so young and afraid of what I was feeling. Afraid of being disowned by my friends. I was in the least frustrated because I really wanted to act upon those feelings of desire for her that was stirring inside of me. Plus there was always someone with us and I couldn't seemed to ever get her alone.

Well, time went on and she moved away. We went in our own directions, not knowing or understanding what it was we were feeling for each other. I did finally "come out" eventually but my Louise was gone. I had dated women throughout my life and even lived with someone for close to 7 years. I got seriously injured on my job which resulted in changes in my life that sent her into the arms of someone else. I was hurt and it was over. Also, along about the same time that all of that happened my dad was murdered, shot twice in the chest and twice in the head, by a 21 year old guy who was on drugs. This devastated me.

During all of my "out" life, my mom stayed on my back constantly, saying that because I was gay, I was going to hell. The pressure got so bad that I finally gave in to her and married a guy. I was in this marriage for 8 long years. I was so unhappy and miserable. I knew this wasn't my place..my home. More to come.......

Thelma

Pigeon Forge

View from our hotel room in Pigeon Forge.


In a minute I'll start the next installment of our story, but first I have to tell you that I am missing Thelma right now. We have scarcely been apart for 5 minutes since we reconnected May 16, but right now she is out on a horseback ride with her best friend. I encouraged her to go, because I'm still a very inexperienced rider. We went on a ride at sunset last night, but I have yet to ride anywhere but on our 13 acres at Girly Ranch. I'm learning, and last night was the best ride yet. I actually got the horse into a full rack and had a very good time going fast! That was a first for me, because normally I'm terrified that I'm going to fall. I'm learning.

This morning Thelma is out with her friend, a very experienced rider, and they are scoping out a new trail, one I hope to be able to ride someday soon. But when I saw her riding away down the long gravel drive, a knot formed in my stomach. I spent 30+ years away from her, and now it hurts to be apart from her at all. I know she feels the same way. We talked about it in the wee hours of the morning, but I said, "You have to go ride. It will be so good for you!" And it will be good for the horses, too, because they are getting mighty fat (and shiny) from eating all this terrific grass in our pasture.

But I know you want to find out what happened next in our saga, right?

We planned to meet a couple of hours north of her house in the mountains, to both shave some time off my drive and to spend the weekend together in absolute privacy. After all, she was still living in the house with her own STBeX, and her mother-in-law was just dying to meet me, clueless as she was about what was coming down the pike. Thelma was already on her way out of her marriage, as was I, when we found each other again. Her MIL and husband thought that life would go on the way it was. I'll let her tell that story, though. Suffice it to say we needed some time together before dealing with that situation.

Our planned destination? Pigeon Forge, TN. Think Dollywood. Think tourist trap. I knew nothing about the place, but I knew she would be there. We talked by cell phone off and on all that day while I was driving. I plugged my iPod into the car stereo and listened to an eclectic mix of tunes, including some she had sent me during the previous 6 weeks. It made me feel connected to her.

Most of the drive flew by. I had expected to be tired and sore. I had expected the drive to be rough on me, because I hadn't driven any distance at all in the 3 years since my mother died and I got sick. Instead, I was feeling energized, free, and alive. I was feeling that rush of emotion that comes with new love, though this love had been in my heart since adolescence. As I got closer to Pigeon Forge, my pulse raced and my face felt flushed. The anticipation and excitement was about to be satisfied. While I drove those last few miles, I brushed my teeth and chewed some gum. Normally I like to freshen up before I see someone after a trip, but this freshening-up had to be on the fly!

She had found what she said was the perfect hotel room, and I was to call her when I got off at the exit. If you've never been to Pigeon Forge, though, just think of some tourist trap you've been to - the Outer Banks, for example - at high season and you will know what I faced. Stop and go traffic, endless red lights, and a seemingly interminable trip to Thelma. She told me to look for the Ruby Tuesday that was near ... something else...can't quite remember now - so I kept an eye out for that while watching out for distracted tourists (hmm, was I one of those, too?).

When I finally saw the landmarks she mentioned, I was in the center lane. I pulled a quick right turn across two lanes and saw the hotel just ahead. Hands trembling on the wheel, I pulled into the parking lot and shut off the engine. I took a deep breath and checked my face and hair in the visor mirror. Then I called Thelma and said, "I'm here!"

While I waited for her to come down to the parking lot, I unloaded the car of my things. When I heard her wolf whistle at me, I was standing there with my luggage neatly stacked beside me. Her blonde curls were tossed by the breeze as she strode over to where I was standing. She stopped about five feet from me and we took each other in. She was even more beautiful than she was at 15 years old. She had matured and grown into a gorgeous woman. She was wearing jeans and a romantic lace-up shirt. She had on a fancy Western belt and hot little cowboy boots. Her jewelry, hair, and make-up were perfect, and she was smiling at me as bright as the sun. I hoped that I - in my jeans, black t-shirt, and sneakers; 7 1/2 hours of road weariness on me - was not a disappointment to her. I smiled and say, "Hey you."

She looked at me and said, "Get over here, woman - right now!"

We moved into each other's arms and hugged as tightly as I have ever hugged or been hugged by anyone. Our bodies touched from head to toe, and I buried my face in her sweet-smelling hair. "I've missed you...it's so good to see you finally," I said.

That was the best moment of my life (aside from the birth of my children). When I finally pulled back from her and looked her full in the face, I saw that she was just as enamored of me as I was of her. We had had six weeks of reconnecting and courting over the phone and computer, but standing in front of her, I felt all the intervening years and miles fall away. She grabbed some of my luggage and together we headed inside.

Once the elevator door closed, I leaned toward her and kissed her. I waited my whole life for my lips to touch hers, and I wouldn't wait any longer. When I pulled away, we were both smiling. We didn't just have fireworks between us - we had nuclear fission! My heart had known all along that she was the great love of my life, and now the rest of me knew it, too.

We exited the elevator on the 6th floor and went to room 623.

The room was large with a king-sized bed, a jacuzzi tub in the room, and a balcony that overlooked a stream. It was perfect, and there were long-stemmed red roses waiting for me. We dropped my things just inside and I took her face in my hands. I wanted another of those incredible kisses.

Before the day was up, we knew we would need an extra night. We had planned for one, but we knew it would be at least two days before we could face other people with any kind of discretion or propriety. She called and arranged for the care of her horses and for an extra night in what we began to think of as our room. (We plan to spend our anniversary there next year - and hopefully every year after that).

Fortunately she had stocked the room with fruit, snacks, and water. Though we weren't hungry, we had to stay hydrated :-) Our time together was incredible, indescribable (and not something I wish to divulge!). Let's just say that after Pigeon Forge, our lives would be forever changed. Neither of us wished to go back in "the closet" or continue with life as we previously knew it. We decided then and there that we would be together, whatever it took.

More of our story to come later....L

And then it all began...

(A continuation of Timing is Everything...)
After I got the email that broke the dam wide open, I just had to get through what I had to get through for my daughter's death. Thelma was there for me every step of the way, from the moment I told her that my daughter had died right up until now. The last two days have been very, very difficult. It's been three months since my girl died, and it's been weighing heavily on me. When I catch myself feeling happy and content, I start to think about how my daughter will never have that again in this world. She'll never go tubing down the river. She'll never meet Thelma. She'll never get on one of our horses. And then the tears come and I feel like I can't breathe.

We were supposed to be having fun last night at a July 4th party, and I ended up going back to the car and having myself a cry. I ended up crying so hard on the way home that my shoulders, chest, and back ached. Coming off this long-acting pain medication is hard, too, but I feel like I'm in the perfect storm sometimes. Yes, overall I'm happy, but I'm also going through a lot of crap.

But back to the story. Over the days beyond the memorial service, Thelma and I became inseparable, at least online. We were either on the phone, on Facebook chat or sending emails and music back and forth. We began getting to know one another again, because things had changed so much since high school. We'd each had full lives that spanned the spectrum from joy to pain and everything in between.

We started talking about getting together in June in Maryland. I was planning to get her a room at a very nice hotel down the street from me. I had cats at the house, plus the STBeX was still living there, so her staying at my house wasn't possible. She was going to fly or drive in the second week of June.

Then I began to feel that I couldn't wait to see her. I know she felt the same way. So I asked her whether it would be possible for me to come see her in late May. As I expected, she was overjoyed! I began searching for good rates on a flight and settled on one for the Memorial Day weekend. I would be there for 5 days, and she reserved a room in the city for the first two nights I'd be in town. We knew we'd need that time to get to know each other again and express how we were feeling. She reserved a very, very nice room, and we were both looking forward to being together.

The longer we talked, though, the more we knew 5 days together wasn't going to be enough. She wanted to take me horseback riding and to the river, and all the things we ended up doing together. I decided to extend the trip, flying in the week before and working part of the time I was to be there. It isn't that I wanted to work, but I had used a lot of time off around my daughter's death.

As the trip neared, I would give her daily updates, counting down from 30 days... "28 days and a wake-up," I'd say. It seemed interminable.

One Thursday I was out walking my bulldogs and thought, "I just want to get in the car and GO." It occurred to me that I could just go on Saturday...a full 5 days early. I called Thelma and said, "What would you think about me coming down there early? Driving, instead of flying?"

The response was a resounding YES! I went into high gear, packing and prepping everything for the trip. I'd be with her for two weeks, extended from 5 then 10 days. The closer the trip got, the less I felt that I ever wanted to come back to what I was now thinking of as my old life. I knew I needed to get away, to think about something besides my daughter's death and all of the reminders, but it was much, much more than that. I was in love. I had loved Thelma since high school and never gave up on finding her. Now that I had her in my sights, I knew I'd never let go. I'd never give up until we were together. Having her back in my life made getting up in the morning easier. It made life worth living.

Saturday morning came and I put on the coffee. I had barely slept and had a long drive ahead of me, but I scarcely felt the fatigue. All I knew was that in a matter of hours I'd be meeting her at a hotel in the Tennessee mountains. I'd be seeing her again for the first time in 30 years. I hoped she would like what she saw....

Until next time, L

Thelma is ALIVE and HAPPY!!! :-)

Us at the Ocoee River
Hi everyone, I am Thelma!!! Nice to meet you all. I wanted to introduce myself before I respond to this post written by the "love of my life". I am just a country girl, actually a cowgirl who loves spending my time in the country and nature. Especially now. I look at life a whole lot different now, since my long lost high school sweetheart stepped back into my life. Life seems worth living, and I actually feel like I am 15 all over again. The passion, the energy that comes with rekindled LOVE! Whew, it can take you to heaven, that's for sure!!! :-) Anyway, I just wanted to say hi to all of you, and now to my love...


Louise honey,
EVERY breath I take is so that I may be inside "your heaven"! I cherish the moments we share each and every day! You are the light of my life and the heart of my soul! A lifetime of love awaits in my heart for you. I have never been so in love in all of my life. My life got MADE the day you walked back into it. I know we will endure "whatever" to get through this "madness" of divorce. TOGETHER, we WILL be strong and "OUR" love WILL prove to win over ALL obstacles we must face in our lives!

Just YOU know that I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE STARS IN THE HEAVENS and that my dear is a hell of alot!!!! :-) My life is complete, now that you are here with me!

Yours forever,
Thelma